I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
