she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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