Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
