my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
