She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I want to fling myself into the sun
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
