just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
