I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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