Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
