just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
