Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
