Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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