Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
