I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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