Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
