I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
