Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
