Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
