i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
