I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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