In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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