Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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