Your face is a jimmy john
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
