2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
