youre lurking in front of me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
