my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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