I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
