everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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