does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
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well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
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A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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