Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
