Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Randomize
