I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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