Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i drank out of a bidet.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
