Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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