so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
