I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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