I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
