There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
