your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
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I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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