Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
