Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
either way he was missing a nipple.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
