She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
