Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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