I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
