I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
