and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
