Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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