Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
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Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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