it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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