Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
