there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize