my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
