You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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