does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
