god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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