she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
