Your mouth is God's brothel.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
