In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
